Book Excerpt from “Hope For the Grieving” by Bill Stevens

Help in the Valley:  Stages of Grief

 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me;  Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

The grief process is like a valley. A valley that is dark, dangerous, despairing, and depressing. The place where you dread the most. A place where you surely don’t want to get stuck there, but unfortunately so many do and never make it through the valley.  You see on the other side of this dark valley is a place of light, new normal, a new beginning, and a place of renewal. You never forget the one who you lost, and you don’t want to. Is the pain ever gone? The pain lessens as you follow Christ through the valley. This journey leads to you t a new place, a place where you deeply miss your loved one, but your life is not ordered around them anymore. There is a new order to their life. You have made it through the valley. The darkness of the valley does not overshadow your life like it once did.

 

“Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”  C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

Psychologists tell us there are five stages of grief. They are very accurate to what a person goes through, and they can be likened to going through a very long dangerous valley.

Five Stages to the Valley of Grief

1. Shock/Denial

• – “I can’t believe this is happening,” Numbness settles in. Some refuse to face the reality that their loved one has passed and they never get out of this stage. For months or even years, they walk around and talk about their loved one as if they are still here, and still coming home. There is this seemingly total refusal to face reality. Please don’t stay in this place. Christ wants to take you by the hand, and lead you through this hard place.

2. Anger:

• You will be angry at someone. It could be yourself, your loved one, doctors, other family members, the guy minding his own business walking down the street, and many times we are even angry at God. It is important to know that anger is normal, but it is not an excuse for wrong actions. Don’t stay in the anger stage, or you will become bitter and healing will never take place. Too many dig into being bitter and unforgiving toward someone, mainly God. It is ok to be angry at God and tell Him how angry you are with Him, just don’t let go of Him. He understands and loves you. What happened to your loved one is not His fault and He did not do this to you. This is a broken world and He wants to help you navigate the brokenness we are faced with every turn of the day. We are in a broken world (see Genesis 3), but that is why Christ came to be our Savior!

3. Depression:

• Sadness that will hit you like a wave and knock you down unexpectedly. Expect it but don’t stay in it. Know that this is just a stage and tell yourself that. Hang on to Christ! Get out and go do some things with your friends. Good friends can help you through these deeply sad times. Stay away from friends who will enable you in your hard days and encourage you to do things that are not healthy for a person going through this valley. They may be well-meaning, but they are not really helping. Many wrong choices can keep you in this place of darkness when you are meant to make it through it!! You are passing THROUGH the valley, hang on to Christ who is the source of our strength and hope! Let Him lead you through it!

You will feel at times like C.S. Lewis did in the loss of his wife.

“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.”   C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

For in grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?   C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

4. Bargaining:

• God, I will do __________(whatever) if you don’t let me experience this kind of pain again. Trust God and let him have your anxieties. So many times people make desperate deals with God. God loves you so much and wants to carry you through this – not to the place where you can say, “I made a deal with God,” but “God Himself carried me through the hardest days and helped me every step of the way.” He wants you to know His presence during this time, so you can rest in him and not be controlled by worry, fear, and anxiety.

5. Acceptance:

• You made it through the valley. You have allowed the Lord to carry you through the valley of the shadow of death, to the other side where there is a new beginning. On the other side of this valley, there are sunshiny days, green meadows, and streams of running water – a beautiful place of healing and new beginnings. No, you will never forget your loved one. You should not forget them. This is a not a place of forgetting, but of a reordered life with a level of spiritual and emotional healing in your life.

If you get stuck in the valley and don’t really deal with your grief, you will be miserable. And when someone else dies not as close, but near you, it may open up all the repressed feelings you have. It can flood all over you. There is nothing wrong with letting it out.  But please take time for yourself and allow yourself to heal emotionally and spiritually.

 

Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.  C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

Weep and mourn the life you had in mind, but continually give it to God trusting Him to work in and through your life. Remember, you are passing through the valley! The valley is not your destiny. The place of healing on the other side of the valley is where Christ is leading you! Find your hope and help in the Shepherd as He leads you through this dark place.

There is a blessing on the other side of the valley.

 

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.” Psalm 23:5

A table? Not a real table, but a lush green flat easy-to-walk-on plateau far above the dark valley below. The place of safety and blessing for the sheep, farm above all the enemies that tried to destroy them in the valley. There is a new beginning once you make it through the valley. A new day has come. A new normal has come. The deepest pain is gone. You don’t hurt like you do now. Let Jesus carry you through the valley, He will help you; He will heal you; He won’t give you a life of regrets but of healing & blessing.

The Promise of Being with Christ Jesus Forever.

 

Your forever home is Heaven! God is leading you through this valley and this life to get you to your real home, Heaven!

 

“ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.” Psalm 23:6

Those who follow Christ have the promise of being with Him forever. It is the place called Heaven, the House of the Lord, the dwelling place of God. Jesus said it this way, “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.” (John 10:27)